New Rules: The One and Done Theory- Dating Advice
By: Maquita Donyel
A couple years ago a friend shared their philosophy on dating.
A few dates was all he needed to decide if she was worth a second or fourth date. It is because within that time he was able to figure out if this was a person he could see himself marrying. If she wasn’t, no more dates were needed, plain and simple.
FYI: The person that introduced the concept to me has since been married and has started a family.
When I first heard of the idea I thought, “Wow! JUST a few dates and you KNOW? That just can’t be possible.”
But after a lot of thinking and self reflecting on how I use to date, I thought why not try something new?
The “One and Done” Overall Bonuses:
After experimenting with this “One and Done” dating technique, I learned that there were too many positives, and not enough negatives, to try something else.
- You see, when you’re relying on only a few interactions with an individual to determine if this person is someone you can see yourself marrying, you’re accepting the person for who they are the FIRST time they show you. You stop creating excuses for their actions and you stop creating excuses for a lack of chemistry. This in turn saves a lot of time and heartache for both parties.
You also stop going through the motions and sticking around because “he’s nice”. “Nice” isn’t the only quality you can picture yourself spending the rest of your life with and on top of that, no one is “nice” all of the time. What’s your favorite quality when he isn’t “nice”?
You stop dating just to have something to do and someone to celebrate Valentines Day with. You see, with all of this free time on your hands not catering to the needs and insecurities of someone you can’t even see yourself marrying, you now have time to get to know yourself! You become so confident in who you are as an individual that you enjoy time with yourself. You are able to see through the “love” mist and realize that spending holidays with yourself and family is just not that big of a deal. It beats spending it walking on egg shells and attempting to prove your love in gifts.
There are so many things I’ve chosen to opt out of because I just would rather do my own thing without the pressure of doing what someone else wants us to do.
- You gain confidence in knowing what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept. We all struggle with something, no one is perfect. But with your new found confidence, you are able to assertively admit to yourself the things you can/cannot deal with in a relationship. Recognizing those things up front saves time and energy for both parties.
“I believe with all my heart that the cliches are true, that we are our own best friends and best company, and that if you’re not right for yourself, it’s impossible to be right for anyone.” ― Rachel Machacek
- You actually just get to DATE…not modern day date.
Modern day dating is more like playing husband and wife…or even better..Barbie and Ken 🙂
You see, dating should be without all of the pressure! Dating should be so much more fun than that. With this technique, there is nothing invested in this person so you are able to just be YOU. Dating with the intent of marriage creates less pressure because the majority of us do not want to MARRY the wrong person. While we wouldn’t mind a couple short dates with them for experience and stories to share with our girlfriends, they wouldn’t make it past the fourth date.
The One and Done Individual Bonuses:
- You become confident in your ability to make big decisions and you become confident in your ability to listen to your inner voice.
You know when something happens and you get that flinch in your stomach that tells you…”hmm something wasn’t right about that”, but you choose to ignore it? You know, you brush it off with a “valid” excuse that sounds something like, “well who I am to judge.. we’ve all had bad days”. Then 5 years later you realize you still have the same feeling about that very same issue… YES this… you STOP doing that. You trust your instinct the first time and become totally at peace with your decision. The good thing about this is you also get better at trusting yourself and your inner voice in other situations as well.
- You become so in-tune with yourself that four dates can sometimes be minimized to 30 minutes.
No joke…. I have sometimes been able to figure out if he’s a good fit for me or not before I even speak to him. How is this possible? By paying attention to how he chose to get my attention. :)Personally, attempting to get my attention via note, messenger or smoke signal shows me that our personalities will not work. If you cannot be “all in” and risk your pride being hurt in the introduction, you’re probably going to have a hard time being “all in” when I really need you to be all in. The right one for me will not let anything, including his pride, get in the way of an introduction.
- You save a lot of time and heart ache.
With this way of dating, you’re opting out of playing house, you’re just DATING. You’re not intertwining your lives, your emotions and your baggage, but simply getting to know each other. And when you admit to yourself that this person is not a good fit in the very beginning, and convey this information to the other person, they will probably respect you a lot more. You didn’t waste your time or theirs, so you’re usually able to move on without any hard feelings from either parties.
4. Your mind, soul and body are all respected.
I’m not sure when having sex became the normal thing to do when you “date” someone. It must have been before sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, and emotional ties. But then that would have been NEVER.
Sex should absolutely not be apart of the conversation, the motive, or the game especially not in >one to four dates<. Last I checked, this world was not Sims™, it was very real. And if you’re going to be totally honest with yourself, today or at least tomorrow, one of the three things mentioned above (emotional ties, pregnancy, or transmitted diseases) will happen to you if you choose to have sex. And then let’s throw in there that it’s with someone you do not really know, because in dating you’re still getting to know a person. Pregnancy-bringing a child into this world unaware of that persons family history, beliefs on raising a child, or any idea of how they will react if your relationship goes south. Meanwhile… juggling all of this uncertainly with a beautiful and innocent human life. It’s a lot; and it’s a totally avoidable situation. Emotional ties and transmitted diseases…I’ll just let you google that 🙂 No more rants from Polished Pistil today! lol But again, why so much pressure when we date? When you’re focused on dating with the intent to marry, sex is the least of your worries. Just like my example of dating him because he’s “nice,” you really don’t want to be left with dating him because he’s good in bed… this too will get incredibly old.
5, You are able to preserve your valuable time, mind, deepest dreams, and your body for your Husband…a man that has at this point, clearly earned his position. This not only makes the King of your castle feel special, it makes YOU feel empowered, like the Queen you are.
It’s funny, because “back in the day” I’m pretty sure this was how dating was in the first place. Dating nowadays seems a lot like being married… without being married. “We” sleep in the same bed, play house, have children do all things as a husband and wife would do without taking the time to get to know each other on the most basic level.
For the same reason I got rid of my microwave I am choosing to date this way. I am done with short cuts. Satisfying my tummy for what I “must have” right now just to end up with an “ok” dinner is not enough for me. I want the home cooked meal that took days to prepare. The kind that sits for 24 hours in seasoning and is served with patience, authenticity and love.
Ps. “Dating ‘because it feels good’, ‘because he/she’s hot’, ‘because I feel lonely’ or ‘because I don’t want to feel left out’ are essentially selfish reasons.” -fervr.net
If you don’t see yourself getting married in the near future, it’s probably best you spend your time building a better YOU.
What are your thoughts? Let us know if you plan to adapt the same concept!
Stay Classy. Stay Strong. Stay United. Date Wisely 😉