By Maquita Donyel
Happy Forbidden Topic Wednesday!!
“Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”
― Bruce Lee
At some point, someone has questioned your standards. When they did, they may have also questioned the standards you have set for yourself and/or your future spouse.
Maybe they said “girl, your standards are too high…you’re going to be single forever!” Or maybe “sweetie, you’re allowing everyone to walk over you” or even “You’re perfect just the way you are…don’t change a thing”.
Either way, while advice/constructive criticism is helpful, you must take your own advice. It is with this advice that you will make your final decision; the decision that comes from you and from God.
A somewhat intimidating task like this will require one to have solid standards and a sincere belief in those standards.
Who you are+Where you stand+What you will not compromise on= Your Standards
James 1:8 ESV He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Never did like the phrase “have your cake and eat it too”
because if I have a cake, of course I’m going to eat it! The phrase should be more like:
“Invest in two cakes, commit 80% to one, and 20% to the other, just so you don’t have to share either of them”
Ok, so this isn’t nearly as catchy, but it gets the point across.
Readjusting your morals and standards solely to match the situation at hand, makes for a very complex and unstable situation for you and those involved.
Let’s use a job for an example:
If you’re going for a job and you do not believe in their mission or the job description you are interviewing for, you shouldn’t tell them you agree to those things, unless you really do. You can’t count on changing those demands AFTER you get the job and expect everything to still run smoothly. Eventually you will be unhappy, and so will they, because during the interview you SAID you were ok with the demands.
The same goes for any relationship.
You have to have standards you will not waver on, aka, nonnegotiable.
You decide to start dating someone because he makes you laugh, he seems sweet (to you at least), and even though you haven’t discussed “The BIG stuff (morals, beliefs, family, marriage, beliefs on raising your child)” you decide to commit to this relationship.
Then after a few months or a year after investing your emotions/time/money, you find yourself having the same arguments about the same topics over and over. Arguments about infidelity, moral beliefs, spending time, family etc.
Chances are you were having those conversations over and over because those were things very important to you. They were standards you have and wanted in this relationship, but maybe ones you chose not to discuss upfront. If you dig deep into those discussions , bet you would find your nonnegotiable.
Examples of Nonnegotiable:
Man of God–faithful–good hygiene practices–great with kids–outdoors man–believes in celibacy until marriage–honest
Having standards, or nonnegotiables, allow you to end up in a place/situation/relationship that is parallel to where you wish to be; instead of merely the place you ended up.
Having standards also makes for a life filled with less drama and more peace. Once you come into a place/situation/relationship/job with your standards laid out, you avoid a lot of confusion, heartache and miscommunication.
Establishing those standards should be done before entering a place/situation/relationship so that you are not faced with the daunting task of balancing the situation with figuring out what you will and wont deal with.
Standards allow us to use out time more wisely, make for a guilty free conscience, and create self worth based on self versus not what others think of you. They show that you have a clear understanding of who you are and an understanding of what you can and cannot deal with, what works and what does not work with your personality type. Any person comfortable with who they are will appreciate this, as you will be saving you both a lot of time.
While finding “perfection” may not be the goal, finding someone “perfect for YOU” (aligned morals, values, beliefs, faith) should be.
So when this article was shared mentioning a wife’s “Non-Negotiables”, I was amped to read it.
“NON NEGOTIABLES?! As in qualities you aren’t willing to negotiate? My goodness, there’s more of us! And we didn’t all exist in the 1940s!”
Below are Polished Pistil’s top 8 out of the 12 awesome nonnegotiable Kristen Wolfe listed on her site. We loved them all so be su
” He is a practicing believer. re to check out the full article yourself! Her husband, “GoodGuySwag” did a Husband List as well!
“Do not be yoked together with an unbeliever…For what agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?” 2 Corinthians 6:14-16. Issues and conflict are bound to rise in marriage, so it is crucial that there is a common foundation on which to hold the marriage accountable. The last thing you want to be fighting about is your faith, whether or not to pray and your viewpoints on religion. Believe me, I’ve been there before. It is exhausting.
He has integrity and does not put himself in tempting situations.
He guards you against harm and protects the relationship. “Keep to a path far from evil, do not go near the door of that house, lest you give your best strength to others.” Proverbs 5:8-9
Seeks mentorship and counsel.
It is important that your man is wise in realizing he can’t carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. When he is surrounded by men who are older than him who can offer advice, prayer and mentorship, he can be a better husband to you. “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15
He is slow to anger.
There is peace in knowing your man holds an even temperament even when he is provoked. A man who allows his feelings, emotions and anger to determine his actions typically has tarnished relationships and is not a healthy place for you or a family. “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” Proverbs 15:18
He is honorable of your heart and emotional well-being.
I hated when a guy I was dating exposed my embarrassing moments or the private matters of our relationship with his friends. Picking on you may seem cute and funny at first, but it will get old after a while. You should feel honored and safe knowing you can always trust your husband to cover and speak well of you. “Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers,” Proverbs 5:17.
“Love each other deeply because love covers all wrongs.” 1 Peter 4:8.
He pursues and loves you passionately.
The man you marry should make you feel loved like you’ve never felt before. Safe, accepted, desired, nurtured, protected and comforted. Jesus loves us deeply, he loves us so fiercely, that he willingly gave up his life to save us.
Pursues: “So Jacob worked seven years to pay for Rachel. But his love for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days.” Genesis 29:20.
Loves: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25.
I know women who feel guilty or wrong for desiring romance in their relationship, as if they don’t deserve it. But God desires for your heart to be romanced, just as He longs to romance us. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.” Song of Solomon 1:2
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Song of Solomon 8:6.
He is humble and can admit when he is wrong. There is nothing worse than a petty conflict blowing out of proportion because your partner refuses to admit they were wrong. Taking responsibility for his actions and apologizing for his mistakes is the sign of a real man. “Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18