The original article, “Why Marriage is not THE Goal,” has been sitting in my drafts box for over a year. What better day than #ForbiddenTopicWednesday to share it?
Relationships | Why Marriage is not THE Goal
By: Maquita Donyel
“If a state of singleness means, ‘to be separate, unique and whole,’ then to be totally single should be every Christian’s number one goal. Many have confused ‘singleness’ with ‘being alone’. There should never be a time [even in marriage] when you cease to be a single being who is unique and whole.
The vast majority of marital problems arise because a husband or wife (or both) has not seen himself or herself as a unique, worthy individual—that is, he or she had a bad self image, was not whole or separate, and always depended on some other person for happiness. They never maximized their singleness.” – Myles Munroe
We’ve discussed the importance of dating with the intent to marry, saving yourself for marriage, and the importance of establishing, “non-negotiables” in order to assist with your husband selection process (sounds intense). So, why in the heck are we now saying marriage should not be the goal?
Single women are often bombarded with questions about why they’re not married, who they’re dating, advice (wanted or unwanted) on how to get married, and/or what they should be focusing on so that they will eventually be married.
They are sometimes looked poorly upon for not being married by a certain age, by not marrying the father of their children, taking too long to marry their significant other, or even for being remarried too many times.
What if the goal was not to have a wedding, marry, or be married?
What if the end all goal were something else? Like…singleness?
Relax, I’m not saying you should run off and join a convent. I’m saying, the goal should be to establish ones singleness. The problem with the scenarios above is they do not consider the individual in relation to herself. They only consider the individual in relation to someone else.
Who is she as an individual? Who are they as individuals? As individuals, are they ready for marriage? Are they healthy individuals outside of a relationship? Are they even familiar with the concept of being an individual?
You see, the end-all goal, should not be marriage. Marriage should come as a result of you choosing to follow the path God has presented to you. Marriage should come as a result of you focusing wholeheartedly on becoming the marvelous woman God has created you to be.
The end-all goal should be ensuring that you are individually, “separate, unique and whole”. You cannot find yourself in someone else, you cannot find your happiness in someone else, and you cannot fill holes/voids with someone else. There is not a face pretty enough, a status prestigious enough, nor a bank account large enough to fill what you’re missing. Relying on temporary pleasures/fillers will ultimately stunt your personal development.
I’m also not saying that you shouldn’t desire marriage; no way. But that marriage, or any relationship, should come as a result and not be your end-all goal.
“She is free in her wildness –a drop of free water. She belonged to no man and to no city—‘Time’ for her isn’t something to fight against. Her life flows clean, with passion, like fresh water.” ― Roman Payne.
Even my closest friends, for an example, were introduced to me while I was alone, doing things I loved or simply wanted to do on my own. Each friendship totally caught me by surprise.
I did not attend that band class, that bible study group, that business brunch, university, nor did I accept that position with hopes of making life long friends. I did not interview my favorite local rapper with the intention of becoming close friends with his girlfriend. While I heard of this sort of thing happening, it was not a goal…in fact it wasn’t even on my radar.
The goal was to attend an event I enjoyed attending, take part in an activity I enjoyed taking part in, and refine a craft that I loved. I attended those activities because it was something I enjoyed doing separate from anyone else. I joined that bible study group as a means of getting closer to God, as a means of understanding what it was that He wanted me to do in this world. I accepted that job because I knew it would provide the experience I needed to get me where I needed to be. I couldn’t have guessed the girl I sat next to at my freshman orientation would become one of my best friends. I had no idea a former customer of mine would become a life-long friend.
In terms of dating?
I’ve crossed paths with quite a few wonderful guys ready to settle up and marry. The only reason I was able to say, “no thanks,” was because marriage was not the goal; marriage was not THE focus. Obtaining ALL that God wanted specifically for me was and still is the focus. Because of that, through prayer and meditation, I was able to discern who was and was not the best fit for me.
The ultimate goal should be to become the woman God has called you to be. When this is the goal, naturally you will be a better woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. Your relationships will be richer because you will be able to contribute to them in a richer way.
God has created all of us, with specific set of gifts, talents, and skills. I believe in choosing the man that will best match, uplift, and nurture those gifts, talents, and skills; not just one that’s ready to marry you…not just the guy that is great.
If your goal is to become the woman you were created to be, you will obtain the skills necessary to prosper, within and outside of any of your relationships. You will be given the skills, the Love, the tenacity, and the faith to prosper as a whole, individual, and unique woman.
Stay Polished Pistil,
Are you using your relationships to fill a void? Check out this article!